the due date.

I reached my due date two days ago and have been asked by a few people if this has been hard for me. It's actually been the opposite...more thankfulness of still having Olive with us. Our close friend in Chiang Rai named Gee, made Olive a beautiful tiny wooden coffin on the day the doctor told us she was dying in October...the day her heart rate dropped to single digits so many times. Luka and others even dug her grave in Huisan Akha Village on that same day only to be refilled in the coming days. That little coffin is sitting in our house in Chiang Rai, and is an incredible reminder of grace.

The past few days have been hard for both of us. Loved ones close to us also going through incredible lows and difficult journeys in their own parts of the world. Through the mess we are trying to step back and find some perspective.

It's been interesting how many times faith has come up in conversations with nurses, the hotel manager, at the salon, and restaurants. I've been encouraged many times to go pray at the temples or spirit houses for protection over Olive, and to make merit. The other day one of the NICU nurses was telling me about Buddhist beliefs and asking me about Christianity...mainly asking why things like this happen, and how we explain it in our faith.

From a Buddhist standpoint it is pretty clear cut. Everything that happens in this life is a direct result of the choices we made in our past lives. Like one little old lady told me in Chiang Rai, "you made Olive very sad in your last life, so this is how she is coming back to get back at you. This is a trial that will eventually pass. What will be will be. Your job is simply to accept it."

When my friend asked me why these things happen from a Christian's standpoint I kind of froze thinking.."it's so complicated, how can I explain this" and then remembered the quote ""If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself." So we talked some about Job, and how God allowed Job to be tested and for his world to fall apart simply to test that his love for God would remain steady--even in the midst of incredible pain.

I've been thinking about this lots in the last few days. I've felt so numb and tired lately. It's so easy to be consumed by our own circumstances and lose site of everything around me. Having a personal pitty party about wanting to get home also doesn't benefit anyone, or help those wants become a reality. There are still needs all around me...right here. Other parents whose children are sicker than Olive in the NICU that need support. I don't want to miss out on seeing those things. I read this verse tonight and was reminded of how true this is.

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” -John 15:4

My hope is that tomorrow morning when I wake up, and when I crawl into bed tomorrow night that I would be drawn to Jesus...the one who is "all kinds of beautiful", infinitely valuable, all satisfying and everlasting. That He would be my treasure when everything else gets gray and blurry.