Christmas.

I posted pictures from Christmas on facebook, click HERE if you want to see them (you don't need a facebook account to view them).

Here are are few of them...

beating the rice.

"Beating the rice" is usually done by physically beating the rice, thereby shaking the rice kernels off the stalks. However, this last Saturday at the Akha Youth Development Center we used a machine to do all the work for us. I seemed to be the only disappointed one to not be taking part in manually beating the rice. I suppose if I had to do this on a regular basis I wouldn't have been quite as disappointed. The rice we harvested will feed all the kids at our hostel for 8 months out of the year. Many of the AYDC kids parents or relatives came to help with the work.

Sumitra with her mom.

Joe, Rusty, and Dara

the magical rice machine.

a new friend who later decided he hated me.

Luka with his mother.

Collecting the harvested rice kernels into bags.

Our bounty. Four truck loads of rice.

lunch. fried banana flowers with pork. so delicious.

P Tim and Ae.

catching fish at the AYDC.

Fishing here is often called, "jap blah," translated as "catch fish." This is done by literally grabbing the fish out of the water with your bare hands. Pretty impressive to someone like myself, who only grew up using a fishing pole. 

The boys all wade in the water with a net until they trap the fish on the edge of the pond until they can grab them and throw them onto the shore.

Chanwit with his mother.

The first catch of the morning.

Notice the string of fish.

Grilling the fish whole over a piece of scrap metal.

reconciling faith with heartbreak.

one of my best childhood friend's son died last week, only an hour after delivery. her milk has come in as a cruel reminder of who is missing. 


i remember pumping the morning after olive died and pouring my milk down the drain. laying on the bathroom floor with tears running down my face...it just wasn't supposed to be like this. 


i keep finding myself crying when i'm alone thinking of my friend.  the emotions and memories i imagine she may be feeling. the questions. that deep pulling pain in your gut when you realize this whole nightmare is actually reality and that you aren't going to wake up. these are the times when living far away from home feels the hardest...remembering those who just sat with me during the weeks and months after olive died...lacking answers, but with ample love. wanting to be able to do that for her.


then i remember all the beautiful things that came out of the journey of our little olive, and the ways she has changed me. the people i crossed paths with because of her. the overwhelming generosity of so many. the children who prayed for her faithfully every night before going to sleep.


would i do it all over again for the things i have gained? absolutely not. i would never choose for olive to endure all she did again. but this is where i am. this is where i've landed, and there is no other option except how i will choose to continue moving and living from this place. 


i found an e-mail today that a women sent me last spring. her daughter, caritas, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and resultant hydrocephalus at 21 weeks in utero. she was born prematurly at 29 weeks on October 16, 2009 and died a day and a half later. we started e-mailing when Olive was in the hospital in bangkok, after a mutual family friend sent me her blog.  here is an exert from our e-mail...

"Like you, I believe that our daughters' short and compromised lives were not in vain. Olive and Cara were priceless gifts to us and to the world. I wrestle constantly with how God works in the world and in our lives, but I still believe that God is with us and that God is love. I think you said something to the effect that God has a lot of explaining to do. At the same time, you see beauty out of ashes, and you don't want to be closed off to it. I really admire this attitude. I find it so challenging to allow myself to enter into my feelings of profound anger, sadness, alienation, and betrayal while at the same time opening myself to God, maintaining a posture of softness and receptivity. It is so hard. My husband and I remind each other often that we don't want to turn into bitter people because of this.

On my good days, I feel strongly that God did not cause Cara's brain tumor nor Olive's prematurity and brain hemorrhage. I don't believe such terrible things are God's will, but instead that God is with us weeping and crying out against suffering and death. So my challenge it to keep walking in faith rather than believing that I have been cursed, or that God simply does not care or does not exist. I will pray for you as you walk this journey of reconciling your faith to your heartbreak as well."

here is her blog if anyone is interested. she also recommended this site (glow in the woods)  for those who have experienced the loss of a baby. they say it is for: "parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged, understood."

rice harvest.

Today at the Akha Youth Development Center the staff, older students, and parents of some of the students all worked together to gather the rice. Earlier in the week a machine was used to cut the rice, and today we rolled it up into clumps, tied it up, and placed it in one giant heap. On Saturday more parents will come and we will beat the rice together. :>)

Here are some photos from today.

even a sliver of hope.

We were driving our truck into town three days ago with our friend Manop's five year old daughter Yoomee, in the backseat. We were talking about her day, when out of the blue she asked us in Thai,

"Do you miss Olive?"

"Yeah," we replied taken back by her thoughtfulness, "we miss her a lot."

"Well, when you miss her you know that you can pray to Jesus, and he will help you?"

We nodded.

The conversation continued about where Olive was buried, what heaven is like, and when we will get to see her again.

yoomee and i.

I have found little kids to be so refreshing to be around since Olive's death. They say whatever is on their mind, and don't know all the awkward rules about when you talk and when you don't...they just go with their gut. I have this picture hung above my bed, drawn by our cousin's daughter Rhayana. I love how cozy and content Olive is on God's shoulder. I also love how God has a gotee and looks very similar to her father.

For some reason, when people would tell me, "Well, now we have another little angel in heaven" it wasn't comforting. Maybe because I immediately got an image of fat little kids with wings from renaissance art...but this photo by Rhayana is very comforting.

Another little girl named Katie (who is about 7) from Chiang Rai came over to our house the other night. She had been praying for Olive, and had even come and met her at the hospital in Chiang Rai. She had lots of sweet questions about her.

Our friends Jamin and Tamara who normally live in China are with us for a few days while they work on their visas. They asked me lots of questions tonight when I came home about the last month with Olive. I haven't allowed myself to go back to some of those moments for a while, and all the raw emotions were still there...strong as ever. I know I've been avoiding those feelings over the last 2 months...needing a break from the intensity of it all. Grief comes and goes, and changes its shape in the process, yet still remains. And then there is sharing in the grief of loved ones around us here in Thailand as well as at home..and the way that it forces you to continue working through your own grief once again.

A good friend in Thailand battling cancer. A close friend at home carrying a pregnancy that doctors are saying will be incompatible with life once born. A family friend who recently unexpectedly lost her husband, and another who recently lost his wife. A cousin who buried her father to cancer this year. A friend here whose baby is in the NICU with a heart condition.

And yet, if you have hope, even the smallest sliver--it can allow you function through the deepest valley. Even with all the questions that have gone unanswered, this hope has been enough.

Loy Kratong ลอยกระทง

photo from google images.

Last weekend we celebrated one of my favorite Thai holidays, Loy Kratong. During this full moon festival, the sky is filled with glowing lanterns and the rivers are glistening with floating Kratongs. Kratongs are handcrafted miniature rafts made from banana leaves that are released in a river.  Floating on the little raft you will find candles, incense, coins, flowers, food, and sometimes betel nuts. 


The kratong is a symbol of thankfulness to the water goddess, Phra Mae Khongkha, for all she has provided. Since the festival symbolizes renewal, finger nails and hair are sometimes included on the kratong as a symbol if spiritual rebirth. Before releasing the kratong, the Thais will pray and ask forgiveness from the water goddess for polluting the water, as well as a prayer of good luck for entering into the coming year. And always, if you look a little farther down the river, you will see little boys swimming around snatching the coins off every floating kratong. 


Meanwhile, up above, the sky is filled with floating lanterns. The Thais release these lanterns from temples, near the rivers, or from home with hopes that they will bring good luck as they drift out of view taking their misfortunes with them.


In the midst of all of the visual beauty you need to watch out for all the fireworks flying past your head, often set off by little kids, or adults who have had quite a bit to drink. 


I bought some lanterns for the kids at the Akha Youth Development Center this year, and they LOVED it. 


Here are some photos from the festival this year...

a letter to men who come to thailand for sex.

This is written by a friend of mine here in Thailand, Constance Dykhuizen, who has been living an working in Phayao. She has been working for the foundation, Education for Life, and will soon be returning home to the States to continue working in the non-profit world. You can read more about sex trafficking in Thailand on her blog

to the johns by constance Dykhuizen

to the men who come to thailand to buy sex,

the number of thai women who truly desire to have sex with you for money has got to be infinitesimal. the number of you who will this not be true tells me that you're subsisting on some type of delusion. i would like to dispel some of the myths about who these women are that you have come to thailand to enjoy. to them, you have become either an enforced burden or economic necessary evil, but either way, they have to pretend to enjoy your company. i don't say these things to change your mind because your mind is made up, i just want to point out how truly heinous your actions are.

I have heard from some of you that sex workers need work and that you believe you are helping them to support their families. if you are so concerned with the welfare of thailand's women, i invite you to support any number of the microfinance institutions that provide loans to women and families to help themselves get out of poverty. having women rent out their vaginas has never been a path to economic prosperity for any individual or a collective nation. sex work is illegal, anyhow, so profits go untaxed and thailand as a whole doesn't benefit (though taxes do exist in the form of bribes that go to already wealthy and unscrupulous individuals).

now that i've addressed the sex-as-charity myth, there's the issue of women choosing this work of their own volition. many foreign men assert that the women are there of their own free will. thais believe that prostitutes and bar girls are simply victims of their own karma. in this line of thinking, women either chose to be there or deserve to be there, so what's the big deal, right?

• sex workers are often immigrants, be they laotian, burmese or cambodian, essentially economic refugees.
• almost all are poor and uneducated. you don't go from college to sex work in this country.
• many are children. an estimated third of thailand's sex industry is underage.
• in one study, 40% of prostitutes had been physically abused as a child.
• in that same study, 48% had been sexually assaulted.

Immigrants, poor women, victims of sexual assault and children don't exactly make up an empowered citizen class. i would argue that for these women this work was against their will. even for those girls who willfully enter prostitution, that's not to say that they would still like to remain in the lifestyle. once in the lifestyle of prostitution, it is difficult for many girls to leave. families come to depend on their income and their increased standard of living, debts accrue with bar owners or pimps and the women have few career options available to them. sadly, her life has already been altered past the point of free will. the life of a sex worker is fraught with physical and mental insecurity, violence and addictions that she may never be able to get out of:

• in one study, researchers found that 57% of sex workers surveyed had been raped in prostitution.
• 55% of the women were physically assaulted in prostitution.
• 56% suffered past or current homelessness.
• 47% had pornography made of them while they were in prostitution.
• of that same group surveyed, coping mechanisms like drug and alcohol addiction were rampant (56% and 39% respectively).
• some are HIV+. an estimated 19% of freelance sex workers in bangkok are HIV+ (though is drops considerably for bar girls) once they are HIV+, there's even fewer places for them to find work and acceptance due to social stigma.

anecdotally, one of the women i know entered prostitution after being raped while she was homeless, and she is now addicted to alcohol and drugs and suffers from a psychological disorder. she may get up and go to work every day, but this is not the lifestyle she chose.

to those of you who act like the women will suffer no consequences in the future, let me share the fate of women in thailand after they've left prostitution:

• some of them will have a child (possibly yours) and will probably be unable to care for the child until they have stopped sex work, leaving them with a family member in another province.
• some of them will contract HIV either servicing farangs or later when they begin servicing thai men and pass it to their children or husbands.
• many will be ostracized from their communities or families because while they are accepted, sex workers are rarely welcomed.

another defense is that farang men are but a small part of thailand's sex trade. while there are an estimated 500,000 sex tourists a year in thailand, there are 4.6 million thai men that regularly visit sex workers. this disparity aside, you foreigners are the most visible population abusing women. your presence contributes to the environment of violence against women. your actions are criminal, even though they may not be treated that way be authorities in thailand. some of you don't possess notions of helping anyone or try to defend your actions at all; you realize how lucky you are to be able to live your extra-legal fantasies in a place like thailand. as one ugly old man said to me, "where else in the world could an old man like me f--- an 18 year old girl?" you're quite right, sir. thailand is a place uniquely set up to host your delusion that it is acceptable to behave the way you do.

i am writing all of this because as i walk around nana, uneasy and slightly sick, i'm unable to think of any recourse. i don't know how to say, "shame on you" in arabic or german. me throwing a tantrum at patpong isn't going to help these women. besides, there are so many of you, from australia, from saudi arabia, from nigeria, from the UK and from the US. you are teenagers and businessmen and church going men and vietnam veterans. to all of you, this is what i have to say:

i know these numbers have little effect on you. i know i haven't convinced you of anything. you pay for sex with women because you are pathologically selfish and therefore able to deny the reality that these women are being exploited and abused by you and by their country. these statistics aren't going to penetrate your resolve. to you and your ego, your actions seem isolated and insignificant, but i want you to know that you are a drop in the tide of violence and abuse that has beaten down women in thailand for generations. you may not think you are part of the problem, but you are the problem. please leave.

sincerely,

a women who came to thailand to keep other women from having sex for money

newsletter.

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A Weekend with Family.

On Friday night my aunt and uncle from Ohio (Harold and Betty), and cousins who live in Tibet (Keith and Rhoda & their kiddos) came for a short weekend visit. It was so refreshing and fun to have family here, and our friends here in Chiang Rai loved them as well. Saturday we celebrated the "Eating New Rice" festival in Luka's village, so they were able to join with that as well. At the end of the service there was an auction with donated fruits, vegetables, rice, brooms, and chickens donated by the church members, to help support their local church. The auction was followed by a delicious feast (pork, soup, cooked veggies, mountain rice, watermelon, passion fruit, bananas, and hot tea).

Here are some pictures from the weekend.