Hi Sugies...it’s your mama,
I woke up the last two mornings with a deep hole in my heart. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. You came so early—too early, and if there was anything I could do to go back in time and change your early arrival I would do it in a heart beat.
You were my first little love, my firstborn, and no one will ever replace you. Oh Olive…the place you brought me…the people you’ve caused me to cross paths with, and the things you taught me in your short little life are greater than I every imagined possible.
You fought against everything that came against you, and your feisty spirit took us all by surprise. I miss you…and I’m going to continue to miss you for the rest of my life. I miss your big bright eyes and your sweet little button nose. I will miss kissing the folds in your neck, your expressions, and your little goat-like cry.
Since meeting you I’ve fallen more in love with your dad. He is so proud of you and loved you the best he could. I loved hearing him make up songs for you every morning and the way he would be able to calm you down when the rest of couldn’t.
Olive Hope, you are one of my heroes. You fought harder than any baby should have to fight.
I still have so many unanswered questions with why God never chose to heal you here on earth and make your broken places whole. It certainly wasn’t because people weren’t asking him with sincere hearts. I keep telling Jesus that He has a lot of explaining to do someday. But for today I’m going to thank Him for each day we’ve spent with you. You were a gift to us and tonight I can rest knowing you are no longer in pain.
There will be no more IV’s, ng tubes, no more shunt surgeries, infection, blood draws, apnea, and struggle. You have a new body now, a new brain, new lungs—but I’m certain you still have that feisty little spirit.
I can’t wait to see you again when I get to Heaven. I’m not sure how it will all work, but I hope I will get to raise you there. Until then I’m afraid I will just keep living with this hole in my heart.
I love you,
Your Mama
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44 comments:
I'm sure you have many of these kinds of comments...I don't know you, but have read your blog since almost the beginning of Olive's life. I have cried several times since reading of her move to heaven and you are in my prayers. I just wanted to say that I have been studying James lately and it came to my mind that you and your husband are such examples of perseverance through trials. I pray that perseverance may finish its work that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I respect your value of life so immensely and I pray that you will be able to come alongside others someday to comfort and encourage them as they experience a similar situation.
I just finished watching the video when your new post showed up. Oh how my heart breaks for you both and I don't even know you. I can't stop crying. Partially because I just finished reading a wonderful book called "The Shack" and I rejoice that Olive is in such a wonderful place but I just ache knowing that you have lost the most precious gem in your life. Please know that I think of you often and continue to pray for you, as well as Rusty and the entire family. May God grant you the peace and comfort you need during this very difficult time!
This is beautiful Lynette. Thank you for sharing Olive's life with us.
Lynette, I don't know you either but have been following Olive's story through Cindy Atherton. Reading your letter to Olive and watching the video just made my "momma" heart break for you. She was and continues to be such a blessing to so many people and you and Rusty are such an example of the strength through trials that only God can give. You will continue to be in my prayers.
What an awesome perspective and faith you have. I can't imagine what you are going through.
You and your family will always be in my prayers!
Lauren
TX
you are amazing. i am weeping with you! i love you lynette.
What a beautiful letter full of love, pain, sorrow and hope. It brought tears to my eyes reading it and watching the memorial video. Continue to pray for you for days to come as you grief. May Jesus hold you and comfort you in your sorrow. Jennifer
oh how we miss you too, sweetest olive. we will keep praying for your dearest mama and papa and for all of us who learned so much through your short, beautiful life. xoxo
I have followed your story through a friend of yours. My heart goes out to you and your family and all who loved sweet Olive...I am so very sorry for your loss...what a beautiful little girl Olive Hope was. The video you put together was absolutely beautiful and had me sobbing throughout. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. May God's peace that passes all understanding surround you in the difficult days to come.
Thanks for teaching us all about what it means to be a mom in all circumstances Lynette. I have learned a lot from you and will be forever thankful for it. I have been a mom for almost 7 years and I have learned alot about loving my children in the last 4 months from you!! I will continue to pray for you and Rusty!!
Thanks for posting your letter and the video Lynette. You and Rusty are beautiful parents, I am so proud of you. I love you so much.
Rusty and Lynette-Olive's life and your journey has made me a better mama, taking nothing for granted. Thank you for your love and strength. Crying with you and praying for you. May God's peace comfort you.
Lynette-- Your letter was so deeply touching. Thank you for sharing it. You are wonderful parents.
After we lost our babies (as well as during our subsequent births), I was priviliged to attend a support group for parents who experienced infant loss once a month. If you happen to have such a group near you, especially if there are other Christians who attend, as there were in ours, it can be a meaningful place to participate with others... Hospitals know about groups like these.
Little Olive..... what a fiesty little girl...
Dear Lynette and Rusty, I am a missionary working in Chiang Mai. Soon after you had your baby early, I heard about it through Jan Burton who attends our church and I prayed for you. Today through another friend's blog, I came across the news of Olive's death and your blog. Wow! I read through much of it and cried. A friend of mine had a preemie 2 years ago and I spent quite a bit of time in the NICU with her. My heart goes out so much to you both. I can only imagine the pain and loss you feel. I am so encouraged though by the contrasts you share of how you have gone through this and the Buddhist take on it. I'm so glad we have Jesus to hold on to in these situations. I will pray for you as you walk through this valley. Thank you so much too for caring for those around you in the NICUs as they went through their own struggles and tragedies. What a beautiful testimony of God's grace in your lives. You were Jesus to those families and babies. May He comfort you in the comfort that only He can give. Jennifer Tibbetts
You are a supermommy, Lynette. You've taken excellent care of your little girl. Now Jesus is taking care of her. In time, you'll meet again!
I don't understand, I cry and pray and still don't understand!!!
Breaks my heart!
Lynette and Rusty,
In an earlier post, you mentioned that you owe a lot of thank yous to people. I have to say that I disagree! Everyone who was able to follow along with you through this journey owes you a thanks. Thanks for sharing your most intimate moments with us. Thank you for showing us what a marriage owned by God looks like. Thank you for showing God's love and grace to the people around you while going through your own pain and trials. Thank you for showing us what hope is all about. Thank you for showing us what FAITH is. I could go on and on! Most of all, thank you for sharing Olive Hope with us. She has touched more lives in her 4 months than most people would in a lifetime. You guys are amazing.
Brooke Rodman
Dear Lynette,
Thank you again, for sharing your letter to Olive with us. I feel like I've lost your little Olive too, and I never met her. I feel like I've been crying since Friday night. Jesus does have some explaining, but I know that Olive touched so many lives...I can't wait to be able to see the big picture when I go to heaven and meet her. I don't know exactly how Heaven works, but I hope for you and Rusty that you'll be able to raise her there too. Thank you again for sharing your lives with us all even though we're strangers. We continue, as a family, to lift you and your loved ones up in prayer, asking for peace during this time. Your sister in Christ,
Melanie Verver
Dear Rusty & Lynette
Wordless.
I am wordless.
I'm looking for words in the English language to help you and me understand this passing of a life - a life that came too soon and left too soon. I have no words for you. I have silence and sadness. But no words.
There is only one word that comes close to saying what needs to be said even though this word, like me, seems wordless.
That word is Jesus.
It's the only word I can give you.
I pray it's enough.
In your season of deep lament may you encounter Jesus.
Andy & Jinny De Jong
Rusty and Lynette, thank you for sharing your hearts and your journey these last 4 months. I'm friends with Rusty's Aunt Karen and have followed Olive’s story and prayed for your family during this time. I am inspired by your unshakable faith and as parent my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss and pray that God will fill you with a peace that passes all understanding and fill the hole left in your hearts. With deepest sympathy and love, Mollie
Rusty/Lynette,
That was so beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I too have had a heavy heart since I read about Olive's homegoing last week.
I apologize if I have said anything inappropriate on this blog. Sometimes I do not think before typing.
I have fallen in love with all of you and will continue to pray, along with many others, for a very long time to come.
Olive is in Heaven with God, with my parents, who were wonderful grandparents. She is there with millions of children and babies who die every day. Babies go immediately to heaven when they die, because they are pure and cannot sin. Olive is happy in Heaven, she is playing with so many little friends. Jesus is taking such good care of Olive and the other babies/children who are there.
Just like my friend Heather Spohr, who lost her 17 month old former preemie daughter in April 2009 (and she emailed you and wrote on your blog), you and Rusty will have happiness on this earth again. I am going to pray for this.
Love,
Marti B.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
I'm a friend of Tim & Carrie's from Rosedale and REACH. I've been following Olive's story since she was born, and my heart is breaking for you guys. May the God of all comfort shower his grace, peace, comfort, and rest on you. May He surround you always with loving people who will walk this journey with you.
Thank you for sharing Olive Hope with us.
Blessing and prayers,
Stephanie
Lynette, such a beautiful letter to your baby girl. A treasure. Crying for you this morning.
I can only imagine your heartbreak. I myself cannot stop crying, day after day, for your little Olive. My heart is broken and I didn't even know her. And your pain is a thousand times worse. It just doesn't make any sense why she was taken. I am grateful, though, that you will be reunited with her in heaven. I am looking forward to meeting her there too. Know that right now, when you maybe can't even bring yourself to pray, that so many of us out here are praying on your behalf and we love you both and your little girl so much. Thank you so much for teaching us all how to love our children and value every moment with them.
You do not know me, but my heart breaks for you. Know that you are in our prayers and thoughts constantly. Olive's story has already touched so many hearts and will continue to do so. Thank you so much for sharing your story on this blog. It is a gift that is going to keep on giving. I pray for peace for your family and strength as you face this hard journey ahead without Olive.
From a mommy that understands all too well what you are going through right now. My heart is crying with yours & you are in my prayers. Hugs from across the miles.
Natalie (Overholt) Helmuth
I am continuing to pray for you both, and for your families. Thank you for such faithful updates on this blog. It has truly been inspiring to read of your journey with Olive.
Lynette, I'm a niece, too, of your Aunt Marietta; grew up in Plainview and know some of your Miller cousins. Aunt M. told me about what you were going through and that you had a blog.
When you mentioned the SB Memorial NICU, I could just see it in my mind's eye because we spent 11 days (I know, a relatively short time) there with our 35-weeker. That Ronald McD room was such a blessing to our family.
I don't know why God does what He does and why He works like He works, but I pray His peace and comfort over you both. He's been reminding me so much in the last months that all this pain and suffering down here is only temporary. It just will not be like this forever, thank You, Lord!
God bless you, dear sister.
our entire and extended family have been praying for little Olive since her birth....our hearts were broken this week; we can't imagine being able to travel this painful and difficult road without our Saviour...He has given all of us such a gift through you:Lynette, Rusty, and Olive that we will be forever grateful and thankful for your faith,prescence, unending love,compassion,devotion,and true grace from above.....my husband and I are blessed to have met you that one time...but the testimony we have seen through your blog,pictures, faith, and relationships with those you love has been a wonderful joy amidst the sadness to see,feel,and share with others.
May He give you and Rusty and all who love little Olive the strength to live the rest of your life knowing she is resting in the joy,peace,love,and prescence of Jesus.....and we pray your loved ones and others will continue to help you through the days ahead, and that you will continue to bless and be blessed by those around you wherever you go...as you have thus far.....you are truly a lovely couple, and an example of Christ's love here on this earth....our prayers are with you still....the video you made is so beautiful and touched by the Lord....what a tribute to your little angel....
Dearest Polinder Family,
My name is Rachel and I get the joy of working with Melody. Everyday for as long as Olive's been born, I'd ask how that sweet girl was doing. We'd rejoice during the good times when the victory to some would seem so small. Then, we would pray harder in the difficult times. It has been my greatest joy to be on this journey with you. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to know you and to love Olive. I have no words to tell you how much she's come to mean to me. I cry everytime I think of her cause I can only imagine what you must be feeling at this very moment. I will continue to pray for you and grieve with you from here. Please know that God has used you to do a beautiful thing, he's used you to change hardend hearts, he's used Olive to teach people to love one another. He's used your story to renew faith. Please know that although we've never met, I feel as though we are family. I can not thank you enough for having the courage to show your struggles. May God's grace and peace shine brightly on you in this moment, on this day and in the days to come. May he give you the courage to smile and may he always allow that precious girl to enrich the lives of other's as he has mine.
In God's love,
Rachel
i heard about your sweet olive and i wanted you to know i am praying for you. i also lost a child and know a bit about the heartbreak you must be feeling. i just wanted you to know you weren't alone...
much love and prayer,
angie smith (audrey carolines mommy)
Hi Lynette,
You probably don't know me but my dad (Richard Beachy) and your dad are cousins. My aunt Joan Beachy has been updating me about your family, and when she posted on Facebook that little Olive had gone to be with Jesus, I went to your blog and basically read from when you had Olive. I cried nearly the whole time I was reading and want you to know that your story has touched so many people, more than you'll ever know until you get to heaven. Olive's short little life here on earth is such a treasure and I'm sure she's running around with Jesus right now, holding his hand and sitting on his lap, laying against his chest, just like she did with her daddy. I cannot begin to tell you that I know what you are going through but please know you are covered in prayer and are in our thoughts.
Take Care,
Love,
Carla (Beachy) Vargas
Dear Lynette,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can soothe or ease the pain (I lost my infant son in June), but I want to just leave a note to say hang in there.
So unbelievably beautiful. I truly believe you will be able to raise your beautiful daughter one day! May our Father in Heaven bless you both with peace, and the comfort and blessings of love from all around...
Our dearest Lynette--I must join the chorus of awe over this amazing letter. To be able to read it as well as listen again penetrates even deeper. Thank you for loving your and our Olive so fiercely, to use Pastor Koeman's word. You have--and Rusty too. That is why it hurts so much--only love can create a hole in your heart--and that is a good thing, isn't it? Eager to see you and hug you again--Olive's Papa
I was so sorry to hear about Olive. When I watch the videos, I see not only your love to her, but also hers for you. I love her huge blue eyes. She looks like a little wild creature! She didn't win the battle, but she did win the victory. She is in Heaven, that is one thing you can be sure of.
Lynette, You are an amazing woman.
God has such enormous plans for you & Rusty. I am blessed to see how you have remained faithful to Him.
You are amazing.
Renée Miller
I've followed and prayed for your little Olive and I'm praying for you now. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an example of a selfless mother and a Godly women. Much love, Katie
i love you guys.
i'm sorry.
Lynette, Thank you so much for opening your heart to us. As a mother, I just don't have the words. You and your family have touched so many around the work and where able to show the love of Jesus Christ to all of them and all because of Olive. Thank you. You are amazing. I think of you often even though it has been so many years since we have spoken. I remember when we where younger and we could go to your parents house and play. All the fun times in grade school. Again, thank you for opening your heart to us all.
Love,
Monica
Dear Friends,
Like many far and near that you know personally, and those you do not know; I have followed with a passion the journey of your sweet little Olive's and her unbelievable and faithful family!! I have shed many a tear on behalf of Olive and prayed so fervently that our precious Lord would grant her a healthy body.
You have taught this 50 year old mother so much in the short time that you were blessed with little Olive Hope. You are both amazing parents, and did so very much for your precious Olive!! How blessed she was to have such caring, loving, faithful, and God fearing parents! What a testament to so many far and near! Thank You for allowing me to learn from you what true Faith really is and to share in the journey that Olive had with you in this life. I can only pray for all of you now as you begin your journey without your precious daughter. She will forever live on in the hearts and minds of the both of you and your families. May it be a comfort to you to know that others also share in your grief but are rejoicing that Olive is safely in the arms of Jesus and is watching and waiting from heaven!
What a reunion you will have one day!!
Grace Assink,
Lynden, WA
I am so so sorry for your incredible loss. Can't stop crying after reading your letter and watching the video. Gives me tingles how she went on daddy's chest at that moment to that song, how powerful! God must have needed her at that moment for something so big and special. She was just precious. Praying God comforts you now and always and gives you peace and strenth.
Hugs, Mike and Stacy Nyhoff
I imagine that there are many of us readers that also have holes in our hearts. While they aren't nearly as deep or as wide as yours, I miss the updates and prayer requests and instead, have a heavy heart for you all as you continue on. In her little life and large struggle, she glorified God and showed us perseverance. You all showed us grace and strength as you relied on God to provide. I too have many questions for God but I hope in the meantime that he comforts you and me, gives us some understanding, and lightens your pain while making the memories strong.
I just saw your baby's videos and her sweet little face will never leave my memory. She was so bright-eyed and she took in so much of what she experienced in her short life. But most especially, she knew love. I haven't the answers to the questions of why she didn't get to stay either, but she gave everyone a glimpse of heaven with her sweetness and delight in new things. You will get to see little Olive grow up when you get there. What a good time she must be having now! You are both amazing parents.
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