Poor Pooch.

This poor pooch lives across from our apartment building here in Bangkok. And yes...that is a giant tumor hanging from his belly and dragging onto the ground.

Living it up in Bangkok.

Olive had another lumbar puncture done today, and only 6 ml was removed because she was being squirmy and the resident couldn't keep the needle in. She only had 6 ml removed a few days ago too. From what I hear from a neonatologist from the States, normally you release around 15 ml-30 ml at a time, so I'm hoping they know what they are doing by releasing such a small amount.

In other news...

Her protein level and WBC count in her CSF decreased more today (this is good news). Tonight she is getting a blood transfusion of packed red blood cells cause she was a little anemic. She was sucking away on her little pacifier when I left her tonight.

Rusty left for Chiang Rai this morning and will be there until Wednesday night taking care of some business with the sponsorship program and visiting friends.

So, I figure now that I'm all alone in Bangkok its time to live it up!

"Living it up" will most likely consist of visiting Olive at the hospital everyday, going out for a cappuccino with whip cream, and if I'm feeling real wild and crazy I might even start writing thank-you notes.

Speechless.

We are speechless at the amount of items and money that was donated for the Auction for Olive. Thank-you to each of you who participated in this. We are overwhelmed by the generosity we have seen from so many during this time.

Breast Pumps.

If you or anyone you know has a manual breast pump that you don't use anymore (and works well) and you would like to donate it the NICU/Pediatric ICU in Chiang Rai, please e-mail me at: rustylynette@mac.com and let me know. We are trying to come up with about four breast pumps to give them.

Often times the mothers are from Laos or Burma and have no money to buy any sort of pump while their baby is in the ICU and will not have any money to purchase formula once their baby is discharged if their milk supply dries up.

Our friend Libby is in the States for the holidays and could bring them back with her. So, if you are interested in helping, let me know and I will send you a mailing address to send the pump to.

Thanks!

Lynette

Spa Fish.

This is walking distance from our apartment. For only $2.91 you can soak your feet in a tub of little fish that nibble off the dead skin on your feet. Creeptastic!!! We took Libby to go when she came down to visit. The two of us had a hard time staying calm with hundreds of little fish nibbling on us.

CT Scan Results

Today Olive's neurosurgeon came to look at her recent CT Scan (done yesterday) and explain the results to us. Her brain tissue continues to expand, and the clot from the previous hemorrhage continues to liquify. We are excited for every good news we get about her brain tissue continuing to expand, even if it is little by little. Olive also still has communicating hydrocephalus which means they can continue doing lumbar punctures every few days to relive the pressure in her head.

As far as the results of her lumbar puncture, the CSF fluid contains no more bacteria or organisms so that is good news. The glucose level in her CSF fluid is also back to baseline. However, her protein and WBC count are still not back at the normal level. He said that this increase in protein causes her CSF fluid to be more viscous, which is why we need to wait to put in the VP shunt. If we did it now, the increased protein level could cause the shunt to clot and not work properly.

SOOOOO...the neurosurgeon is saying that we will wait on the WBC count to level out as well as the protein. Once those two lab values are in place we will consider putting in the VP shunt...maybe in another two weeks or so. And hoping that her weight is closer to 2 kg (4.4 lbs) by then.

If an opportunity to return to the States would arise before the surgery we would jump on it. Otherwise we will plan on being here for the surgery and recovery.

Last night I tried breast-feeding Olive with the help of the nurses and she was starting to get the hang of it. However, this morning when the neonatologist found out he wasn't too impressed. He says that it is very important for us to know her intake and output at this point, and he would like to wait on that. So...today there was no more of that.

Today I was looking at photos of Olive in her first days of life and couldn't believe how much she has changed in two months. She has been through so much in her short little life, especially to think that my due date isn't even until December 15th. We are so grateful for each day we've had with her and for the days ahead.

No more infection!

Olive had another lumbar puncture today and the results were very good. No more bacteria found in the sample. She has been much more active and breathing on room air again without the help of any machines, so we are feeling very encouraged about this.

Rusty spent the morning holding her, and at lunch we swapped and I spent the afternoon holding her. Tonight after I put her back in her isolette she was crying, irritated and flinging her limbs in all directions. I took her back out and thought maybe she needed to be burped, but that didn't seem to help all too much. She probably cried for a good 15 minutes without calming down. Then I noticed her trying to shove her hand in her mouth, so I stuck my finger in her mouth and she started sucking away. We gave her a pacifier and she was suddenly comforted and fell asleep. This is the first day she has had a strong sucking reflex, so we are excited. We may be able to start trying to breast feed later in the week if she continues to stay strong and breath well on her own.

We still have much to be grateful for.

Life has continued moving since the last post. Today we celebrated Olive's two month birthday, and were reminded of the many things we do have to be grateful for.

-One of the things I've been most thankful for during this time is my relationship with Rusty. Though we have been awfully stressed out by the many different circumstances that have come up, we seem to be growing closer and closer. I can't imagine walking through this alone. I'm thankful to be doing it with my best friend and that we can even make each other laugh in the hardest of moments.

-I'm also thankful to have Olive in a hospital where she has access to the surgery and procedures she needs. Thankful to have her here in Bangkok at a hospital with doctors and nurses who are doing their best to care for her. Tomorrow morning she will undergo another lumbar puncture to relieve some of the fluid in her head (her head circumference increased in the last two days). I'm thankful she slept through her first lumbar puncture and I'm praying that tomorrow will be as painless as the first time.

-I'm thankful to have such a big support base of friends and family around the world. So many of you have played a role in supporting us in a time that could otherwise feel so lonely. We have also been overwhelmed by the generosity of so many. Both the Olive Care Hope Fund and the Olive Hope Auction have blown our socks off.

-I'm thankful for the health Rusty and I are experiencing. Yesterday I made an appointment to visit the doctor suspecting I was on my way to be getting mastitis. After a day of resting, pumping extra, and applying heat packs I'm feeling much better.

I have many more things I could write but for now sleep is calling out my name...

good-night friends,

Lynette

Photos.

Some of Olive's nurses here at the Army Hospital.


This is Olive's neonatologist Dr. Nitipaan


Libby was in Bangkok hanging out with us all day before she flew home to the States for the holidays. She is going to be sorely missed.


Note the tiny pudge growing under her chin. She now weighs a whopping 3.7 lbs...she weighed about 2.8 lbs at birth. The nurses had to put the IV in her head again (not to be confused with another drain) because they weren't able to find a vein in her legs or arms.


Today we celebrated Olive's 2 month old birthday with the nurses and doctors with an ice cream cake.


This is Dr. Uwee and she is one of the residents that cares for Olive. Dr. Uwee is sweet as pie.

Negative Nancy

Another day of ups and downs. Woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach having no clue what the doctors decision would be if we would be able to make our flight tomorrow or not. This morning after arriving we learned that she had a stable night and has been stable throughout the morning.

The opthamologist came and said he was happy with the results of her laser surgery and will come back to look at her eyes again in five days from now if we can't return to the States.

Around 9:00 a.m. they did a lumbar puncture to remove 10 ml of CSF fluid to help relieve some of her intracranial pressure and also to evaluate how well she is responding to her antibiotics. The team of one doctor and two nurses who would be traveling to the States with us came to look at her around noon and told us based on her vital signs that they think everything is a go. They said they just needed to evaluate the results of the CSF fluid. So, about one hour later they returned with the results with a concerned look on their faces. Apparently the glucose level was very low, and protein was higher than it should be. They didn't think she was fit to fly. They said they would consult with the infectious disease specialists to get a final opinion.

The team of infectious disease specialists said they were concerned about us not having a ventilator onboard the aircraft in the case of Olive having continued apnea. They also worry that if the meningitis continues to progress that she will start having more frequent seizures. They told us that meningitis can cause deafness, severe developmental problems, as well as seizure issues in SOME cases. Not very comforting news to hear.

So...all of the doctors involved in Olive's case are telling us she cannot fly. We had our hopes up so high to have Olive at such a great hospital, and to be near family and friends as we continue walking through this journey. All the details had come together for the flight home after so many e-mails and phone calls of coordinating.

So here we are...lots of tears today, anger, and disappointment.

Today I'm feeling angry at God, and wondering why there continues to be more and more bad news. I can see lots of ugly places in myself too in all of this. I want to be grateful for the good things He is doing...like the positive report on Olive's eyes, and the simple fact that we are included in the small percentage of people in this world to have access to this level of healthcare.

I do miss my close friends that could just sit down beside me and grumble with me.

love to all of you...

Lynette

Dear Meningitis, I hate your guts.

Today had lots to tears to accompany it. The organism that they found in Olive's CSF fluid is Staphylococcus Aureus...which means she has meningitis. This was the first news we heard upon arriving at the hospital this morning. We also found out that one of the people we thought was a resident is actually on staff here which has made us feel better.

Throughout the day Olive has had episodes of Apnea where she stops breathing and her heart rate drops. With the help of a little oxygen and patting her on the back, scratching the bottom or her feet, or rubbing her little cheeks her numbers eventually climb back up. The doctors are contributing this to her infection and say that hopefully by tomorrow night or Tuesday morning the clinical signs will start getting better once she has a few days of antibiotics in her system.

The problem with all of this is that we need her to be stable to take her on the flight planned for Tuesday morning at 11:00 am. Everything is set up and in place...except for Olive's current health status.

Tomorrow morning the doctor who would be traveling with Olive if we go to the States, is coming to the hospital to take a look at her and her labs to decide if she is fit to fly or not. They will be doing a lumbar puncture on Olive in the morning to assess the level of her current infection and also to remove 5 ml of CSF to help decrease her intracranial pressure. According to one neonatologist we have been talking with in the States, if they are able to control her infection by Tuesday and her vital signs stabilize she should be able to still make this flight.

Another issue that we haven't yet been able to discuss with her neurosurgeon is how they are going to go about reducing her intracranial pressure now that she has an infection...(insert a deep tired sigh here).

We are crawling into bed tonight feeling emotionally drained and down in the dumps. I'm not sure what you should be praying for at this point...maybe for the antibiotics to destroy all of the bacteria in her system so that her clinical symptoms improve by tomorrow? Or maybe pray that if this doesn't happen we will have the strength to embrace the next step if that means we need to stay here longer.

Love,

Lynette

Infection.

Yesterday the doctors were pleased with how Olive's laser eye surgery went. After being on anesthesia she was throwing up so she had to be NPO (have nothing by mouth) for the day. Today they have her back on feedings, but she still needs to be on an IV again.

This morning we arrived to the hospital to learn that the doctors were getting ready to test her CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) for any organisms to assess for infection (a common complication of the drain in her head). The test came back as positive for bacteria so they had to remove the drain immediatly and start her on two different IV antibiotics. We were hoping she would be free from infection and that the drain would be able to stay in until the day we left for the States, so now we are unsure how exactly they will handle this.

Now that she is getting IV antibiotics she needs an IV in all the time. Olive has the smallest most fragile veins, so getting an IV in her is VERY difficult. Tonight the nurses tried about 6 times unsuccessfully. We held her and sang to her for while before handing her back to them and heading home. I'm hoping by now they have an IV in her.

Tomorrow the opthamologist will come to assess her eyes again which I'm not looking forward too. They put these little metal clips on her eyelids to pull them back for he examination and it looks so uncomfortable. She crys every time they do this...poor little thing. We know that it's all for her good though.

At this point they are saying she should still be able to go home on the 24th despite the current complications. Rusty has been busy on the phone with the nurses and doctor who will be accompanying us, those helping with the flight back to the States, and with insurance. We are so thankful to those of you who have given to the Olive Hope Care Fund. It has made it possible for us to pay for the doctor and nurses accompanying us to the States as well as their plane tickets back to Thailand.

We have heard so many good things about the DeVos children's hospital in Grand Rapids and are anxious to get her there sooner than later. At the hospital we are currently at, we rarely see an attending doctor...I think we've seen one twice since arriving 1.5 weeks ago. Otherwise its all residents making the decisions. I think they are very good at what they do, but I would feel much more comfortable if I got to see an attending at least once a day.

The last two days have been rough emotionally for both of us and we are feeling pretty drained. We wish so badly life could be easier for Olive. She is a little fighter, but she's also a weak little thing who I wish could just be cuddled like a normal little baby without dealing with all the daily procedures that make her so uncomfortable.

Life these days continues to be unpredictable. Trying to look for things to be thankful for each day and not be swallowed up by the things that seem overwhelming and out of our control.

Much love,

Lynette

Eye Surgery

I don't have much time to update, but wanted to let you know that Olive's laser surgery went well this morning. She has been pretty weak all day and throwing up due to the sedation medicine, but overall she is ok.

Eye Surgery in the Morning.

This afternoon we were with Olive at the hospital when we were told today they were going to do the routine eye examination on her to assess for blindness. Rusty and I were both feeling pretty nervous and praying throughout the day that this would turn out better than our last doctor in Chiang Rai predicted.

Three residents came in to check her and then called for the head opthamoligist to come and assess her. After he arrived he told us that based on the findings she will need to undergo immediate treatment by laser or cryotherapy surgery in the morning. The doctor told us that if they were to wait too long, or not do this surgery that she will be blind in the very near future. If they go ahead with it they can prevent this complication, but as with anything there are risks of doing this as well. Another retinal specialist came to confirm the diagnosis.

If all goes well she will still be able to leave for the States on Tuesday.

We have been in contact with a neonatologist from DeVos Children's Hospital, and another neonatologist from South Bend, IN, and our brother-in-law who is an anesthesiologist. All agreed the best thing to do is to go forward with this surgery.

So here we wait..anxiously and nervously...but still grateful to be in a place where she can receive the care that she needs.

Much love,

Lynette

More photos.

If you are interested in seeing more recent photos of Olive from today you can click on this link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=41879&id=1054808187&l=4cb8f58a8b

Coming Home?

Its been a few days since our last update. Most of our time has been filled with being at the hospital holding Olive and spending time with her. There are many financial benefits (more affordable care) of being here at the government hospital, but along with the benefits come the downsides. The doctors here are overworked, which means sometimes you have to wait for their availability for procedures, wait for a spot in the operating room, etc. She has been without a drain in her head for the last six days, and each day her head circumference has continued to increase. Yesterday we were told by the residents that the doctor was coming to put in another drain around 2:00 pm. After waiting at the hospital, we finally got a phone call around 7:00 pm that he had other surgeries and wouldn't be available for 24 more hours. Today I was told he was coming to look at her at 1:00 pm, and instead he came at 6:30 pm. We've been trying our best to practice our patience...especially since there is not much else we can do. At this point we are hoping that Olive continues to remain stable and if so Olive will be flown back to the States around the 23rd of this month with one Thai doctor and two Thai nurses at her side.

Tonight the neurosurgeon inserted another ventricular drain and the plan is to keep it in until we leave on the 23rd. If she were to get an infection from the drain, then our plans may change once again, and we may be staying here longer.

Thank-you for your continued support and prayers.

Love,

Lynette

thank-you.

Since beginning this journey six weeks ago we have been overwhelmed by the kindness of so many of you. The prayers, the notes, e-mails, phone calls, hospital visits, and financial gifts have meant so much to us. Some of our friends are planning on holding an Auction for Olive online at the end of November, and we have been humbled by all of those who have decided to participate and all of the creative ideas.

So, from the deepest parts of our hearts, thank-you.

Another Ultrasound.

This morning the neurosurgeon did another ultrasound and he was pleased with the results. He said that her brain tissue is continuing to expand and he was also pleased with how active she has been. For the last two days she has been breathing only room air, so that is also good news!

They are considering trying to switch all of her medicines to go through her ng tube and remove her IVs now that she is getting 22 ml of my milk 8 times a day. This way they won't have to keep poking her.

We are feeling encouraged as we crawl into bed tonight.

love,

Lynette

Olive has moved once again.

The last few days have been a rollarcoaster of ups and downs and we have had little time to be online. I mentioned in the last post that there was a possibility of us heading to the States at the end of this week on a commercial flight, but that looks like it may not work out once again due to technical difficulties with the oxygen we will need along the way. However, there appears to be another possibility hovering in the distance to fly Olive home in 1.5 weeks. Yesterday a bed opened up for Olive at a government hospital and she was transferred yesterday morning.

Tuesday night I flew up to Chiang Rai for 24 hours to pack up our things and say good-bye to our friends there. I woke up at 6:00 am to spend some time with the kids at the AYDC before they left for school at 7:00 am. They all had lots of questions for me about Olive, and when they would get to see her. After that I spent the morning/afternoon talking and packing up our things with Ghan, Blah, Ae, P Thim (some of my close Akha friends) and Libby at my house. In the afternoon/evening we spent time with the older kids from the AYDC in town, stopped in to visit the NICU nurses at Chiang Rai Regional Hospital, then off to a quick dinner with more close friends before going back to the airport to fly to Bangkok. I was unable to see everyone I was hoping to see, but the time was very limited. The day was full of emotions. A deep thankfulness for the friendships we have made here in Chiang Rai...anxiety for not being near Olive during her transfer to the government hospital...and then all of the unknowns hanging in the air about what the future will hold. At this point we are unsure if we will be going back to the States on a short or long-term basis. It will all depend on what Olive's needs will be in the future. It's hard to know how to process things when the future is so unknown. Time to return to the reminder that all we can do is take things one day at a time--one hour at a time.

Last night I landed in Bangkok about 11:15 pm and Rusty met me at the airport. We then went to the government hospital so that I could see where Olive was. When I came in she was crying and the nurses were all busy. Olive just started crying this last week more consistently when she is in pain or uncomfortable. I realize this is a good and normal sign, but also really hard to see when you aren't able to make her feel better. She had an IV inserted into a vein in her head because they were having issues getting it in her legs and arms. The nurses were friendly, but very professional and kindly reminded us that it was okay to be there for a few minutes but that it was not visiting hours. We walked home feeling anxious to have her in a new place once again.

Yesterday after transferring Olive to the army hospital Rusty broke down crying in front of the nurses and was just feeling overwhelmed...feeling sorry for Olive...worried about having her in a new place once again. This morning when we came in to see Olive the head nurse told us that we are going to be able to visit her any time we would like, and said they know our situation has been very stressful. The head nurse told me that she spent 2 months studying in Chicago at UIC...the same school I graduated from for my nursing degree. Today has been wonderful. The nurses are very kind and have been encouraging us to hold Olive as often as we would like. It's been fun to be back in a government NICU setting where we can mingle and chat with the nurses.

We had a meeting with the neurosurgeon this morning and he agreed that he would like to postpone placing the VP shunt (major surgery) as long as possible (ideally until she reaches 4.4 lbs.) and he will continue to try temporary measures to relieve the pressure in Olive's head in the meantime. He said he thinks Olive is stable enough to go ahead with the major surgery now, but will wait longer to lesson the risk of complications.

Olive has been breathing well on room air all day, so we are encouraged by this.

We are so thankful for your prayers, verbal support, and incredible generosity.

Much love,

Lynette

A poem about an unexpected journey.

This is a poem sent to me by a friend of our cousin Cindy. I wept as I got to the end.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Update.

Well, a few days ago the doctors told us that Olive is doing better than they expected after removing her first temporary drain. She is able to control her body temperature much better, and is off the ventilator--though still getting a little oxygen. They said because of this, that evacuating her to the States is another possibility again since she wouldn't have to be in an isolette on a stretcher (which was a previous issue for taking her on a commercial flight.


They are also saying that they would like to ideally wait on putting in the VP shunt until she gains more weight (2 kg or 4.4 lbs).

Over the last 2 days her head circumference continued to grow so yesterday they placed another temporary 7 day drain. If she remains stable there is a chance we will take a commercial flight with her to the States along with a doctor and nurse at the end of these seven days. If she would get an infection, or her condition would deteriorate at all, then we will plan on staying here in Thailand for her next treatment.

We are still waiting on a bed at the government hospital to open up.

Today we are supposed to have a meeting with the director of the hospital to discuss a plan of care for her at this point. Some good news is that Olive's neurologist said that her brain tissue is beginning to expand again a little after removing the fluid. The more it expands, the better her prognosis for the future will be.

We will keep you updated when we are a bit more certain what is going on ourselves.

MUCH LOVE,

Lynette

Time to fatten her up.

Yesterday the doctors took Olive off of the ventilator and also removed the drain from her head. She still has her IVs, PICC line, and the ng tube in her mouth, but we are happy to have less. Tonight the neurosurgeon told me that with that drain in they removed about 400 ml of fluid out of her head. Craziness. Now that her drain is out we have been able to hold her as often as we like. Her head circumference has not increased over the last 48 hours, so this is good news. One of the biggest goals for the doctors a this point is to keep fattening her up. She now weighs 1.490 kilograms (3.3 lbs) and the goal is to get her to 2.0 kg. (4.4 lbs).

I can't help but think how cute and turtle-ish she is looking these days.

And so we keep asking...

I was thinking today about a conversation I had many times with close friends before becoming pregnant with Olive. The conversation was about my fear of having a baby…all the things I would have to give up. How self-less you need to be. And that once you have a baby YOU will be the one in charge of caring for it—you can never give him/her back to their parents and drive home to sleep.

It’s interesting how quickly one can change perspective, and how drastically life has changed since having Olive…how much more ready I felt to be a mother after being breaths away from losing her. How willing I felt to give up my time and make life changes if it meant keeping her. And then came the fears of holding on too tightly to keeping her, and wanting to be able to let her go if that was what was best for her. And the times we tried to “let her go” and “give her to Jesus” and how she kept fighting and taking one more breath than we were expecting her to.

I think things happen for a reason, and believing that also helps me not drown in guilt that I did something to make Olive come so early. I have been struggling with those thoughts and feelings...the “what if I did this differently”...or “what if I listened to all my Thai friends advice rather than laughing at them when they told me…” Still I can recognize that those “what ifs” aren’t going to help me in dealing with what tomorrow will bring me, and they can't change the past.

So now I will continue to take a day at a time...an hour at a time.

Yesterday the neurosurgeon asked me if I knew about her case. I told him I had already been told that she had the worst kind of brain bleed and that her prognosis is very bad. He agreed and said that her brain tissue is so thin that she may not be able to do anything but lay in bed when she gets older. She may be blind, and she may be deaf. She may not be able to speak, or process information. He said he hopes this won’t be the case, and that sometimes things turn out better than doctors expect.

I've heard this about 15 times from our doctor in Chiang Rai, and other doctors in the States, but it just never feels like old news. Each time it feels like someone just punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. I tried to hold myself together, but my throat tightened and my eyes welled up with tears. My mind blanked with the other questions I was planning on asking. The doctors and nurse tried to comfort me, but I just needed time to be alone and sob.

I believe that God still does miracles, and I will continue to ask for them. I also know that often He didn’t choose to heal the whole crowd, but only one out of the bunch…and I don’t know if Olive will be that one. But I will keep asking like she will be that one.

When He doesn't answer my big requests like, "Jesus, heal her brain...renew the damaged places" I start making my requests littler...like today, "Jesus, can you at least allow Olive to sense how much she is loved? Can you let her smile when she gets bigger?" And before I go to bed I will ask Him again to touch her, to surround her as she sleeps, and to do more than I can even ask or imagine.

Its hard for me to believe that you need to know the right way to pray--like its some kind of formula. In fact, when I hear that little children are praying for Olive before they get tucked in at night all around the world, it's those prayers I get most hopeful about. Those simple honest requests to Jesus with no fancy wording attached.

It’s been confusing to know where the line is drawn between denial and faith. It’s impossible not to hope for the best. I am willing to raise a disabled child and I will love her with everything in me. I think I already do.

Whether life brings us what we were hoping for or not I am still resting in the fact that God is good. That He is compassionate and gracious, and abounding in love. That Olive is a gift. And that someday far down the road this part of the journey we are on will make more sense then it does while we are in it and searching for our footing.

The little lady.

Olive had a rather uneventful day today which we always are happy about. She is on room air with her oxygen, and though she is ready to come off the ventilator the doctor has decided to keep it in until her surgery is finished. She has had very few seizures today (I only saw one), and has been able to control her body temperature much better. The neurosurgeon asked for the nurses to clamp her drain for 24 hours to assess how much her head grows during that time. 19 hours later it is still measuring the same at 32.5 cm, so this is also good news. She has been comfortable most all of the day, except for the last time I visited her and she was getting poked and poked while they searched for new veins. The poor little dear! I had to leave so that I wouldn't make the nurses feel like someone was breathing down their necks, and will go back and visit her again in 30 minutes.

We are still waiting for a bed to open up for her at the NICU at the government hospital. The doctors are hoping that happens tomorrow, but they can't make any promises.

I left the hospital today and walked around in the sunshine for the first time since we have arrived a week ago. I forgot how healing just smelling fresh air and grass can be after being in a hospital for so long. I think I will try to make a habit of it.

Thank-you for your words of love and encouragement and continued prayers.

The next big step.

Yesterday we had lots of meetings with the doctors discussing the next best step for Olive. A week ago when her temporary drain was put in the plan was to transfer her home to DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI once they took the drain out and she stabilized.

We have been looking into options of getting Olive back to the States via air, but it seems as if those options may not work out based on our doctor's recommendations of what would be required for that to happen.

Our doctors are suggesting that we stay here in Bangkok and go ahead with the VP shunt surgery sooner rather than later. This is a major surgery where they place a shunt in her head that drains down her neck all the way into her peritoneum (in her abdomen). These shunts can stay in for a few years at a time if there are no complications. Usually doctors will wait as long as possible to do this surgery in small babies because of the risk of skin break down being greater the younger the baby is. However, in Olive's case, the doctors think that this would be the best option for her at this time.

The hospital we are at is aware of our financial situation and the cap on our insurance so we have been working together to come up with the most ideal option for both Olive's care and our finances.

The doctors here at Samitivej have a connection with a government army hospital here in Bangkok and one of the top neurosurgeons there (who works back and forth between private and government hospitals). He was trained in Australia and speaks great English, and the doctors here have full confidence in him. He has agreed to take Olive's case. If Olive is transferred to the government army hospital the cost of the surgery will drop significantly. They also tell us that this hospital has a better equipped NICU then the government hospital we had Olive at in Chiang Rai.

So...after much thought and talking with a neonatologist in the States, we told the doctors this morning that we would like her to get the surgery done at the government hospital and then we will see how it goes having her there. If we feel we would rather have her at the private hospital again after seeing how they care for her at the government hospital, then we will go ahead and transfer her back here to Samitivej.

If she is here at Samitivej I know she will always have one nurse focusing only on her, and that there will be no visiting hour limitations. They also really encourage parents being with the baby, skin to skin kangaroo care, and would help me try to breast-feed her as well. But we will see...maybe the staff at the Army hospital will be wonderful too and we will feel confident in them caring for her.

They are saying Olive will need to stay in the hospital after the shunt surgery for another month, and then after that they would like us to stay at a hotel or apartment close by and begin caring for her on our own for another month. That way, If she has any issues during that month they can help us manage those. After that time is up, if we feel confident in caring for her and if she is stable (if she can regulate her body temp and is off oxygen, and eating well) we could fly home.

So...i guess we will be here in Bangkok for another two months or so. This is not what we were expecting, but it seems to be our only current option and I think I can speak for both of us in saying that we feel a peace about it.

Rusty is in Chiang Rai tying up loose ends and packing up a few more things since we originally thought we might be leaving for home in the next few days. He will return tonight to be back in time for Olive's surgery.

So the journey continues...thank-you to all of you who are walking it with us.

Olive has been stable. The doctors think her apnea was maybe do to fluid overload in her lungs from replacing the fluid they were taking out of the drain. They put her back on the ventilator just for a few days to help her rest and help her gain weight easier. They said they can take it out today, but recommended keeping it in until her surgery is over since they would need to put it back in for the surgery anyways. She is having fewer and fewer seizures so that is good too. Today she seems to be very comfortable.

Pray that her brain would be able to expand again after the intense pressure it experienced from the fluid in her head...this is a concern the doctors talked with us about. Please continue praying for damaged cells to be made new...

Love,

Lynette

Changes for the better...

I took this first photo this morning after she has had the drain in for 6 days. The second photo was taken last week after the drain had been in for about 2 days. Her head circumference has decreased from 38 cm to 33 cm in the last 6 days. It's exciting to see the changes, even if they are a little at a time.

You are worth far more than many sparrows.

About four days before Olive was born I was walking around outside of our house in ChIang Rai when I spotted something strange moving around in the grass under a tree. When I got up close I was very disturbed to find a little sparrow still alive on the ground slowly moving with ants completely covering it's little body and biting it. I yelled for Libby to come help me and we moved him onto the concrete and tried to brush off the ants with a broom. We then took him into the house and made a little bath for him to get rid of the ants hiding under his feathers.

We sat there watching him dry off for about 15 minutes killing any sneaky little ant that crawled out from under his wings. The sparrow laid on the counter for about an hour not moving at all. He drank a little water when we gave it to him dripping off a cotton swab. After a while we moved him to the floor in a little bowl thinking he would probably die later in the day. We were happy that at least he would die in peace rather than getting bitten alive by those awful ants.

A few hours later the little bird jumped out of the bowl and started hopping around the house. It took us about 10 minutes before we could catch him because he started flying again. I then walked outside with him and he flew out of my hands away into a tree. I thought a lot about this verse...

“Do not two sparrows sell for a coin of small value? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s [knowledge]. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Therefore have no fear: You are worth more than many sparrows.” -Matthew 10:29-31

I was amazed that God cared enough about this little bird to let us come across him and nurse him back to health.

I've thought a lot about this situation and verse over the past five weeks since Olive has been born. It's come to my mind in those moments when God has felt silent. In those moments when I have wondered if He has even been listening to my prayers. When I have been overwhelmed and confused. Eventually He gently nudges me with the reminder that He cares for those little sparrows--so how much MORE does he care for Olive?

Our emotions have hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in the past five weeks. The simple fact is that God loves Olive even more than I...and all of this is ultimately out of my control. He can choose to take her to heaven, or to continue giving us the gift of caring for her.

He has plans for us which we can't even begin to imagine. I have NO idea what my life will look like in five years from now...or even tomorrow. If I sit and think about that for too long I can start to get pretty anxious. I've learned in this last month that life can change drastically within the hour. Ken Koeman wrote this to us the other day and it is so true..." have I mentioned that most of the time God does not lead us with a searchlight, but rather with a flashlight? Step by step, through winding paths…and slow."

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even tonight. What I DO know is that if God cares about these little sparrows-- that He cares for us and the details of our lives...and that He is enough. Now only if I can just remember that in the darkest of moments.