The birth wasn't the beautiful birth experience that I was planning for, but one full of fear, tears, and panic.
I remember getting to the hospital and them telling me I was already dilated to six centimeters. I remember thinking it was all just a bad dream. I remember feeling relieved that Olive had at least cried at birth. I remember thinking she looked like a little blue old man and Libby telling me she looked just like me : >). I remember laying on the delivery bed after the birth, talking on the phone to rusty telling him she was at least breathing.
My thoughts today feel so scattered and jumbled...just like this post will probably be. Part of me doesn't even like going back to the day she was born...brings up so many feelings that I'm not even sure how to process through and anxiety remembering the day after.
I'm wondering how things could have been different...if only I would have listened to my gut sooner. If only this...if only that...
Wishing I could go to her gravesite...sit there...talk to her.
Rusty's sister Stacia and her family drove down to Olive's grave last night and wrote messages on balloons and released them. My aunt put flowers on her grave this last week. Mom and dad visited her grave, and I've been hearing about a few others who have stopped by. It means so much to us. Especially when we are so far away.
I'm wondering what Olive is doing today in Heaven. Wondering who is caring for her. Rusty thinks his grandma Polinder is taking care of her...maybe my grandma Laura. The other week we had a conversation with a close Akha friend of ours named Joe and he said he thinks his mother (who died 4 years ago) is also taking care of Olive in heaven.
Death doesn't seem scary anymore. Eternity doesn't seem so scary either...it feels much more tangible...a place that I will go and get to be with Olive again.
Wondering what life would be like if Olive was born term and healthy. Wondering what her life would be like if she were still alive after being born so early. Wondering if her life would have been as hard as the doctors were predicting...and if it would have been I'm thankful she is no longer suffering.
Wondering when this longing to be near her will ease up.
Thankful for the support of so many who love us and who also loved our little Olive Hope.
She changed me in more ways than i thought possible for someone so small.
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21 comments:
my heart sinks and is heavy as i read this. ugh. olive is with jesus--her body is renewed, her spirit is refreshed. she is dancing and singing and is pain, no more. i pray for you to be comforted on this day. what a day. and what a sweet girl that someday you will know in full.
I'm crying reading this. As I have been reflecting this week, I realize how many questions I still have too. Not that I have come to any new answers.
Your fierce love was and is so evident. I love you!
Courage. It takes courage to step forward and do something that is hard or scary. It takes courage to challenge people who claim to know what is right when you believe otherwise. It takes courage to risk loving someone who may only be around for a little while. It takes courage to let go when every ounce of your being wants to instead hang on tightly. It takes courage to remember pain. It takes courage to openly and honestly share it with your brothers and sisters. Rusty and Lynette, you are two of the most courageous people I know. I'm so sorry that such a sad experience took place in your lives, but I'm so proud of the courage that you displayed. I pray that God will give you both comfort and peace during this "anniversary date" and that He will guide your hands, your hearts, your minds and your souls to places of many blessings in the future. Love, Jenn (Snowflower) in GR
Tears. Oh, Olive...you were so precious. I can't wait until your Mommy can hold you like she longs too. I miss seeing you grow.
Melody was right - fierce love is a very fitting term for the love you and Rusty showed her.
Little Olive, you were such a strong spirit in a broken body. We miss you, we wish you were here, with your parents, with us. I like to think Joe's mom is with Olive now, and your grandmas. You and Rusty gave Olive everything you had, and she knew how much you loved her. I love you guys.
We think of you often, but especially today. What a hard, hard year it has been for you - God, family, friends, memories, and ministry have filled your life at the same time as this huge, gnawing hole that is Not Olive. No wonder your thoughts are jumbled! I know you will be reliving the next three months now more than ever, and we just pray for an indescribable peace from God that He can make all things right.
Oh that beautiful baby LYNETTE!! I love those eyes of hers. My heart hurts for you today. I thought & spoke of little Olive today when Suzy lost a balloon at the relief sale. Suzy wonders if it will go all the way to Heaven, We wonder if Olive will get her balloon.
Hugs my friend~to you and Rusty.
Sending you lots of love and prayers. I will never forget this beautiful little peanut! All I can say is you are one of the best moms I have ever known and your love for your precious Olive is absolutely beautiful.
we love you so much. you are so strong and i admire you both so greatly. <3
Olive changed you and many, many others of us. She touched us in ways, no one else ever has. What a gift she was.
Oh Lynette,
To hear your heartbeat and the way you are able to express through words so well touches me deeply. I care and continue to pray for you guys. We remember with you and miss beautiful Olive who touched our hearts. The way both of you cared for her in the short time she was here was amazing! Love you both!
Praying for you and your sweet family!
If we only knew what Jesus knows about what Olive is doing now, we could be comforted.....so many questions, and so few answers..Could it have been different....we don't really know, so all we have left is to trust....May God comfort you and Rusty today.
tears...........having such intense desire to hold the sweet, sweet baby again! I held my grandbaby Ella tightly last nite sitting at the campfire. May God comfort and continue to strengthen you. Love you guys!!
What a sweet, sweet baby. I like to imagine sometimes that Olive and Linnea are playing together and smiling down on us. :)
Wish I could see you guys to give you a hug.
Sitting at my desk with tears running down my face...will continue to lift you up in prayer. Because of Olive's birth and life, you changed along with your relationship with Jesus. Thank you for sharing so much with us. It changed me also.
loveyou. xo
I'm sorry. The hope you do have is that you be able to spend much more time in eternity with her than you ever would have here on earth. Take care.
Beautiful post. I can't wait to meet little Olive someday. She's going to have an eternity of people wanting to hold her and tell her what an impact she had on their lives.
Talked with your dad the other day at his office and he was displaying a kind sympathy known only by those who have experienced loss such as your family has. We recently lost a dear baby granddaguther who lived only 6 hours. Our hearts go out to you as you remember baby Olive. We wonder too what babies do in heaven and who cares for them there. Lovingly, Ruby Bontrager
We are praying for you!
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