a rambling of thoughts.

i've been missing Thailand today.

missing the kids and staff at the Akha Youth Development Center.

my Thai teacher.

the nurses in Chiang Rai & Bangkok who cared for Olive.

i miss going to the market and buying fruits & veggies and freshly killed pig for dinner.

waking up to chickens crowing.

tucking in the littlest hostel kids and praying together before bed when they are crying and homesick.

bubble tea at the market in huisan prapbla.

studying thai...speaking thai.

i even miss the hostel kids faking being sick at 5:30 in the morning hollering "P Lynette!!!!!" at the top of their lungs at my front door until i stumbled out of bed to take their temperatures.

Doi Chang Coffee.

sad to be missing out on plowing and preparing the rice fields for planting

the night sky where the stars seem brighter than any other place on earth.

i miss hearing Gee whine about his back hurting because of how hard he worked driving the kids to school on the bus. :>)

pad makeua (friend eggplant with garlic and pork).

mobile Clinics.

i miss Yosu's giggle and blue sunglasses.

long tandem bike rides into town sweating bullets.

motorbike rides home during sunset.

lynchee season.

i miss being pregnant with Olive in Thailand and life before my world turned upside down.

i miss when life seemed simple.

when future decisions seemed clear cut.

i miss lying in bed at night when Olive would have her routine aerobics session as I was trying to fall asleep.

i miss waking up with her kicking me when I would roll onto my belly and accidentally squish her in my delirious slumber.

the truth is that life has become messy, confusing, and overwhelming.

though in having my heart gouged out I've gained a new understanding of the depth of my ability to love another human...a very small human with big eyes that seemed to know more than doctors gave her credit for.

my black and white world has become a shade of gray. 

simple answers are feeling less and less adequate... and I'm trying to just be ok with that.

trying to stay calm. trying to be okay with sitting in a place without clear answers and filled with tension.
trusting that this is part of the journey too. 

i have hope that I won't always be here, in this place.

but for now here i sit.

and i'm okay with that.

some of the time anyways.