Space.

This blog has been beneficial for me in so many ways since Olive's early arrival. After her birth it was an easy way to keep family and friends up to date on how she was doing with the new drama arriving each day. It was also an avenue for us to feel their love and support from a distance, and to pray for Olive and us when we were at the end of ourselves.

After she passed away in January, it also was a nice place to come and remember her. To write posts sharing the kind things people were doing for us/for her. To try and put words to the depths of the loss we were feeling. 

But recently I've found myself becoming a bit more self-conscious about the blog. Wondering if on my bad days that I post people will be sighing to themselves, "I hope she can start to move on soon." And maybe that's the truth, or maybe I am making it up in my head. There are a few blogs I read everyday...one of them is written by a women who lost her baby a year ago. Her thoughts and reflections have been/are helpful to me. They help me to feel like I'm not going crazy, and that the sadness that comes over me regularly is normal and ok. 

There have been people who have written me numerous times thanking me for my honesty. Telling me that it has often put words to their own loss they have walked through. So I can see good things that can come from sharing the depths of a very personal and painful life experience. It's rare to peer this closely into the life of someone walking through their pain, especially into the pain of a stranger.

So rare, that other parts of me have been wondering about the need for some quiet space. Space to write, but write alone. Space to share this journey with close friends and family. Our counselor has been encouraging this (the need for more privacy in our grieving) and its resonated well with both Rusty and I.

This responsibility that I feel to continue writing is a bit strange too. It's a one way relationship for most of us. Most of the people reading this blog feel that they know me very well (at least from what I've shared on the blog) and yet I don't know anything about many of you (unless we have a relationship) except your name if you comment, or if you share more about yourself in an e-mail. 

I'm not ready to stop writing completely on the blog. I say this because there are things I really love about processing life through words. However, I am going to take a break from sharing those very raw, in-the-moment, difficult days. Mostly because I don't like the self-conscious feelings it leaves me with. And because I want to be able to take the time I need to walk through this season without feeling rushed through it.

So, the blog will probably continue and I don't know what it will look like. Olive will still come up often, because she changed my life so greatly and because she is always on my mind. All I know is that for now, some space seems appropriate.