"Here is something I never knew before July. If you ever hear that someone has lost a little one, pease take the time to ask questions...
- what did he/she look like?
- did you name him?
- was she just beautiful?
- tell me about the delivery.
- do you have any pictures I could see?
- who was there with you?
- who was the nurse you left her with at the hospital?
- what was the kindest things someone's done for you in this grief?
- show me, with your hands, how big your baby was.
- so when you held him, he was about this big?
- tell me about how you first found out.
- what were some of the things you'd done to get ready for her?
- did you have a crib waiting?
- was there something very special you'd gotten just for him?
- something you'd made?
- what did you pray over your baby while she was in the womb?
I start to wonder how many people i haven't done this for. i hope i remember this from now on."
Just thought this might be helpful for the rest of us including myself.
I think we often shy away from bringing up more pain and try to say positive things like, "Well, I'm sure you will have many more healthy ones to come"...etc. But it's strange how much it means to people/myself included who have lost a loved one when someone asks questions about them. It reminds the one grieving that the one they lost matters and hasn't been forgotten.
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9 comments:
I think those are wonderful, thoughtful things to ask or say if someone has lost a baby. I'm sure it is very hard to empathize with someone if you have never experienced that loss, no matter how hard you try. Someone who I considered to be one of my best friends refused to look at pictures of Linnea. I'm sure she had her reasons, but it broke my heart. It's one of those situations where you can try to forgive the person because they didn't know any better, but you can't forget it.
thank you for these.... so true, we tend to shy away from asking..xoxo
L-Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom and insights. This was a whole new perspective for me....Jenn/Snowflower in GR, MI
Thank you for that. Now I know better what to say in that situation.
Missed you on this blog. Hug hug.
Thank you so much for sharing those insightful words. I will surely try to remember in case I need them. Your heart is very tender and kind. Love from Ruby
Maybe weird, but I cut and pasted and saved this on my hard-drive. I never know what to say when this kind of thing happens, but maybe this will help me say the right thing and do what I can to help someone. Thank you for helping me help someone else!
Thank you for that list! I struggle SO much trying to figure out what to say. Still praying for you.
You have taught me so much how to help people in their grief. I am a medical professional so I discuss loss with patients often. But your blog has been so eye-opening to me. I have realized in my own life and from what you have posted that you need to meet people where they are. Don't negate or gloss over their loss with quick comments (which might be well-meaning). I understand now how to be a better friend and a better medical provider because of what you have shared over months. You have so much wisdom you have shared.
Thanks Lynette.
I remember and pray often for Baby Olive.
Jen O'Brien (Luceeta's friend)
One question that many people will ask, those that do not know you, is "Do you have any children? How many?" It's a difficult question for me because my son only lived four hours and it was forty years ago. To be honest, I've answered both ways, "One who is with God and two here on earth" But I'm more likely to say two, because I don't want to make the person uncomfortable. But one thing I've learned never to say or to accept are the words "It was God's will" God does not want pain for his children.
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