01.22.2010

It's been over a year since she died.

I remember the bitter cold wind and snow falling as we buried her little body. 

We were miserably cold, as we stood around her grave, and completely brokenhearted.
Close friends and family flew from across the country to show us their love, and honor her life.

I remembering worrying about how we would pick up the pieces of our broken selves and put them back together. I think we are still trying to figure out how to do that.

The night she died, I slept with so much relief.

I slept no longer worrying that she would stop breathing during the night, be uncomfortable, get another infection, or have another shunt complication. 

At Olive's memorial service Pastor Koeman said, "If we could only see her now, we wouldn't wish her back." Those words help me on days like today.

Of course we wish none of it would have turned out like this. Of course we wish we could take back everything we have learned and all the ways we have grown for a healthy little Olive Hope. But when reality sets in, I am thankful she is no longer suffering. Thankful she didn't spent this year undergoing surgery after surgery.

Of course that doesn't take away the loss.

But I don't think I ever want this loss to fully go away.

I never want to forget her.

I'm thankful to those of you who still remember her life,  her big eyes, and her feisty little spirit.

the loss is not ours alone.

the loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. how long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak. 

-brian andreas 

This week I've been thinking about those of you who walked so closely with us on Olive's journey. Those of you who have continued walking with us since her death, in our deepest valleys.  I think of our family, and close friends who were there right beside us ready to help in any way possible. You kept us afloat, and we hope we can be to you someday, what you have been to us.

Weekend retreat.

Last weekend we went on a little retreat with 20 of the oldest students from Baan Sun Fun or "The House of Weaving Dreams." These students are all studying in technical college or universities in Chiang Rai, as well as taking part in work internships or working.

We spent the weekend at a little retreat center with little cottages by a river outside of Chiang Mai. Here are some photos from our time away, or click here to view all of the photos.

a year ago.

Christmas and New Years has been full, and almost busy enough that I haven't had a chance to sit and reflect on what I'm missing out on back home, or what was happening a year ago at this time.

Tonight I was looking through blog entries from last year, and so many memories came flooding back.  A year ago we had just flown to the States, and Olive had just completed her first shunt surgery.

I have gained the art of mostly being able to compose myself even when strong emotions well up inside me--something I wasn't able to conquer even 6 months ago. I've found enough quiet spaces where I can grieve alone...on walks at night, driving my motorbike, or bicycle.  I have also learned the value in tears over this last year, the depth they can communicate beyond where words can often reach, and how they can comfort and release things inside me unlike anything else.  I think I've learned to be more comfortable in who I am throughout this journey, and the mess that I am as well.

Still though, I sometimes long for that old me to return. The one who had a clear five year plan figured out, and wasn't nearly as confused about life as I feel these days. We've decided to stop talking about any future decisions until the end of January...at least until it's been a year after Olive's death. Sounds responsible enough I suppose.

My parents, cousin Trina, and Aunt Anne will be visiting us here in Thailand at the end of the month too. It will be special to have all of them here, especially around the one year reunion of Olive's death. It will be nice to be with people who loved her, and knew her...who touched and held her...and were even with us while she took her final breaths.

I've made a request to Jesus asking for a bit of a breather year without anything too eventful. Who knows what He has in store, but I'm hoping for the year 2011 to bring with it more clarity and stability.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." — C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.” — Anne Lamott

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short."-Brian Andres