Tonight I was looking through blog entries from last year, and so many memories came flooding back. A year ago we had just flown to the States, and Olive had just completed her first shunt surgery.
I have gained the art of mostly being able to compose myself even when strong emotions well up inside me--something I wasn't able to conquer even 6 months ago. I've found enough quiet spaces where I can grieve alone...on walks at night, driving my motorbike, or bicycle. I have also learned the value in tears over this last year, the depth they can communicate beyond where words can often reach, and how they can comfort and release things inside me unlike anything else. I think I've learned to be more comfortable in who I am throughout this journey, and the mess that I am as well.
Still though, I sometimes long for that old me to return. The one who had a clear five year plan figured out, and wasn't nearly as confused about life as I feel these days. We've decided to stop talking about any future decisions until the end of January...at least until it's been a year after Olive's death. Sounds responsible enough I suppose.
My parents, cousin Trina, and Aunt Anne will be visiting us here in Thailand at the end of the month too. It will be special to have all of them here, especially around the one year reunion of Olive's death. It will be nice to be with people who loved her, and knew her...who touched and held her...and were even with us while she took her final breaths.
I've made a request to Jesus asking for a bit of a breather year without anything too eventful. Who knows what He has in store, but I'm hoping for the year 2011 to bring with it more clarity and stability.
I have gained the art of mostly being able to compose myself even when strong emotions well up inside me--something I wasn't able to conquer even 6 months ago. I've found enough quiet spaces where I can grieve alone...on walks at night, driving my motorbike, or bicycle. I have also learned the value in tears over this last year, the depth they can communicate beyond where words can often reach, and how they can comfort and release things inside me unlike anything else. I think I've learned to be more comfortable in who I am throughout this journey, and the mess that I am as well.
Still though, I sometimes long for that old me to return. The one who had a clear five year plan figured out, and wasn't nearly as confused about life as I feel these days. We've decided to stop talking about any future decisions until the end of January...at least until it's been a year after Olive's death. Sounds responsible enough I suppose.
My parents, cousin Trina, and Aunt Anne will be visiting us here in Thailand at the end of the month too. It will be special to have all of them here, especially around the one year reunion of Olive's death. It will be nice to be with people who loved her, and knew her...who touched and held her...and were even with us while she took her final breaths.
I've made a request to Jesus asking for a bit of a breather year without anything too eventful. Who knows what He has in store, but I'm hoping for the year 2011 to bring with it more clarity and stability.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." — C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.” — Anne Lamott
"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short."-Brian Andres
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10 comments:
The last quote really struck me....... Rings true so often for me. Thinking of you, my friends, as you embark on this New Year
I have been thinking so much about you the last week. Not just because I'm coming for a visit, but because this is the 1 year mark of meeting Olive. I know many of us were thinking of you on New Years Eve. When observing Aubrey, it was hard not to think about how life would be if Olive would have lived and you three would have been at the New Years Eve party interacting with us. Love you!
Ah Lynette- miss you.
I never met you and probably never will but have a scarf and blanket I got from Olives auction. I think of her EVERY time I wear the scarf or cuddle under the blanket. I check your blog weekly to see how you are doing and sometimes look back at Olive's pictures and videos...I've learned quite a bit about God through you and I just want to say thank you for sharing with all of us...God Bless you.
We thought of you today after we left Grandma Barbara's graveside. It was so cold and windy.
Great quotes Lynette. So happy for you that your family is coming, what a cool thing to look forward to. Praying for you as you approach the 1 year mark since little Olives death.
Mr. Beaver is so profound--I hear the truth in all those quotes. Praying for your courage as you face the new year.
lovingyous. xo
Thinking about you. You guys are amazing! Thanks for sharing your journey. It's great to catch a glimpse into your faith journey. Miss you.
I'm up again in the middle of the night thinking about you, Rusty, & Olive.... love & miss you.
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