01.22.2010

It's been over a year since she died.

I remember the bitter cold wind and snow falling as we buried her little body. 

We were miserably cold, as we stood around her grave, and completely brokenhearted.
Close friends and family flew from across the country to show us their love, and honor her life.

I remembering worrying about how we would pick up the pieces of our broken selves and put them back together. I think we are still trying to figure out how to do that.

The night she died, I slept with so much relief.

I slept no longer worrying that she would stop breathing during the night, be uncomfortable, get another infection, or have another shunt complication. 

At Olive's memorial service Pastor Koeman said, "If we could only see her now, we wouldn't wish her back." Those words help me on days like today.

Of course we wish none of it would have turned out like this. Of course we wish we could take back everything we have learned and all the ways we have grown for a healthy little Olive Hope. But when reality sets in, I am thankful she is no longer suffering. Thankful she didn't spent this year undergoing surgery after surgery.

Of course that doesn't take away the loss.

But I don't think I ever want this loss to fully go away.

I never want to forget her.

I'm thankful to those of you who still remember her life,  her big eyes, and her feisty little spirit.