Tonight I was realizing that throughout this pregnancy I've carefully protected myself from thinking about Olive too much. I think some of that had to do with all the fears inside of me of imagining the possibilities of walking through similar circumstances with this little one. Now that I'm nearing 36 weeks I've started to let myself think of her more and return to memories.
Tonight I was watching another video of some of the kids where we live and up popped Olive's video from her memorial service that I haven't watched in over nine months. I had one of those cries that feels like you can't breathe...the kind that you've pent up for a long time. I miss her so much tonight. Watching videos of her makes it all feel so real and fresh even with the time between that has passed. And I'm thankful for that too... I'm thankful not to be numb to it all, and to have photos, videos, and stories written down to help me remember her.
It's true that grief comes and goes like waves through different seasons. Sometimes those waves are gentle and other times crashing. And though grief changes and shifts it never completely goes away...which is okay. Maybe it just means that the person we loved meant too much to us to ever completely let them go.
Sweet little Olive Hope. Her little life taught me how much capacity I have to love someone...and knowing her makes me even more ready to meet his little one growing inside me.
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I was thinking of her and you guys the other day too. I was writing birthdays in my 2012 calendar and find it is a great time to think of special people (I think she is the only extended Polinder family member in my calendar--guess I should learn more birthdays.) Sorry to hear of the deep, soul wrenching pain, but so thankful (with you) that you still feel so deeply after such an incredibly painful time. You and Rusty are still such an encouragement to me as you continue to mourn precious Olive Hope. And 36 weeks!!! Woo hoo! Can't wait til we get the news of baby boy Polinder's birth. Love you guys.
Are you anticipating a humongous grief reaction when this baby comes? In my situation, I am--welcoming it and dreading it at the same time. This poor baby is going to be cried over like none before. How wonderful that you are 36 weeks! I just hit 35 weeks yesterday. (Week counting in pregnancy is like notches on a non-wearable belt.)
so glad for the reflection Lynette. It happens to me in waves as well....because you are my daughter and because Olive was someone we looked forward to having with us on earth and now we must wait to be with her....love you my daughter. Just want you to know that your Dad alerted me to this blog today. He said he has been thinking about Olive a lot too and is so grateful you are doing so well and is praying for you and Rusty and the little one and loves both of you lots. Love you forever my dear.
Didn't read this before we skyped today. :( Love you so much!
Dear Lynette,Dear Rusty
So glad to hear the 36 week milestone is in sight! Deep joy and enduring sadness and grief go side by side. Olive was such a sweetheart. I particularly loved her facial expressions and her little hat with her name on it.
With ongoing prayers,
Karin Maag, Calvin College
I read this, and I love you and can't wait to see you with that little squirrel in your stomach. Olive is gonna be so proud. :)
continued prayers for a healthy baby, whenever he decides to make his appearance....
I clearly don't articulate as well as these other fine women. I've been sitting at this 'Leave your comment' box for about 10 minutes, so I'll just say this - You amaze me. I think about you, Rusty, Olive and baby Mr. Smoochums so much, and I want the absolute best of everything for you! I love you.
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