the waves of grief.

We are grateful to be back here in Thailand, connecting with relationships here, learning more language, and having a strong sense of purpose. At times, this last year feels so distant, and on other days, everything rushes back. A relative of ours who lost her son a few years ago, wrote an e-mail recently that explained the journey of grief so well...

"The journey of grief is a very long, hard journey. I often describe my grief as the ocean---Some days the waves are so calm and far away & other days they are so very, very strong."

Today was one of those days when the waves felt "so very, very strong," and the memories of Olive so raw and fresh. I've avoided going to the hospital in Chiang Rai yet, mostly because I know that it will bring up so much emotion and so many memories. Today I watched videos of Olive that I haven't watched in about three months, and it did just what I suspected...surfaced the deepest emotions inside of me.

Almost every other day,  I run into someone who asks me how my daughter is doing--and hasn't heard that Olive died. It's in those interactions that I try my best to push down my emotions to keep the conversation comfortable for the other person, but the frustrating things about tears is that they often come even when I try to push them away. Those conversations usually end with a shuffle of the other person patting me on the back and saying, "It's okay, you'll have another baby someday."

Being back has brought with it many distractions which has also felt healthy in other ways. Not having all of our time focused on ourselves and Olive has helped with the healing process, but we are also realizing the importance of giving ourselves those spaces to grieve, and not to live in denial.

Mostly though we just miss her, and are realizing how deep our love was/is for this little life. We are slowly realizing just how much she has changed us.